Tag: Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Confidence Tips for Kids

Sharon Holbrook

Q: Can you focus on building an elementary kid’s confidence—in particular ages 6-8?

A: This is such a fun, exciting age of possibility—early elementary kids are usually fairly agreeable, and they can do far more for themselves than they could a few years earlier when they were in preschool or kindergarten. (And preschoolers and kindergartners can often do so much more than we think, but that’s a topic for another day!)

I’m curious from your question about whether there’s a specific worry here. Some common concerns about confidence might relate to:

  • Timidness in sports or other activities
  • Nervousness about leaving parents, or other anxieties
  • Shyness about speaking up or making friends
  • Lack of positive belief in their own abilities or qualities

Some young kids are naturally bolder and outgoing than others, and what we’re seeing may sometimes be more about temperament than it is about confidence—say, the kid who just takes a little more time to warm up in social situations. And some kids may exhibit a lot of confidence in one area and not in another. That’s all perfectly normal.

But all kids, no matter what their inborn personality, can benefit from the confidence that comes from self-efficacy. As we discussed in Capable Kids Q&A: Confidence Through Action, kids (and adults, for that matter) benefit from that “I can do it!” feeling of knowing we can handle the challenge before us. We are happier, mentally healthier, and—yes, more confident—when we have self-efficacy. The most robust source of self-efficacy is that of mastery experiences—times we’ve handled other real-life challenges. Every time we meet a challenge, our confidence gets stronger. So how do younger elementary kids built that self-efficacy muscle, especially if they’re not naturally a take-the-world-by-storm type? Here are some ideas:

  • If they haven’t already been doing so for years, let them choose their own clothes and dress themselves. It’s such a simple, low-stakes way to communicate to our children, “You have opinions that are valuable. You can start to make choices without me. You can do things for yourself.” You may see some really creative outfits…but a little (or a lot) of pattern and color mixing never hurt anyone!

  • Let them develop confidence through their interests, not ours. Not every kid needs to play team sports or whatever else we parents may gravitate towards. Self-efficacy, not to mention joy, comes more naturally when a child likes the activity—whether it’s sewing or music or jumping rope or trying to master Pokemon Go.

  • Give them chores. You can start anywhere, but I like to start with mealtime chores because they happen so regularly that it’s easiest to be consistent. (Here’s how it (kind of messily) unfolded in our house.) Counting on them to set the table or help clear the table or wash the dishes isn’t glamorous, but it ultimately gives them a sense of pride in their abilities and contributions. Yes, even if they complain.

  • Encourage them to speak up. When you go to a store, let them check out when they buy a pack of gum. Have them give their own name to the receptionist at the doctor or dentist. Let them order their own ice cream. Pause before answering for your child. You’re there, ready to assist if they get stuck, but when they get a chance to try they can begin to get a sense of themselves as a capable, independent person who successfully interacts with the world.

  • Ask their advice. “Which necklace do you think I should wear with this shirt?” “What do you think Ezra would like for his birthday?” “Which of these screwdrivers do you think will fit in this screw?” “Do you think that movie will scare your little brother, or do you think he’s old enough to watch it?” Translation: You are not passive or helpless. You can contribute. Your ideas are important and helpful to this family.

  • Consider a pet or a plant. Around this age, the personal pet requests may start: A pet I can keep in my own room! Can your child remember to care for one? A bunny or a chameleon might be more than you want to supervise, but maybe a betta fish or goldfish could be a start. And if animals are off the table, consider whether plant care (indoors or outdoors) might work. Kids can take tremendous personal pride in being responsible for another living being.

  • Dial down—or at least reframe—the compliments. You might be familiar with the research saying that we shouldn’t compliment kids on how smart they are, which we previously touched on here. (It doesn’t work to build confidence; when faced with a challenge, these anointed “smart kids” tend to give up, deciding that maybe they weren’t so smart after all because it stopped being easy.) Instead, praise how hard the kid worked to figure something out. A good rule of thumb is to praise what children can control from the inside—their choices, decisions, persistence, style—rather than to label them from the outside. (“You’re so smart.” “You’re so pretty.” “You’re so athletic.”)

I hope these ideas will help your younger elementary kids build that self-efficacy and the sense of confidence that comes with it. It’s so worth it—when they realize what they can do, they just light up with pride and joy. You will, too.

As always, please let me know how it goes! (You can always reach me through the question form at the top of this article, through my contact form, or by pressing reply in your email when you receive my newsletter.)

boy doing homework photo by annie spratt
Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Young Perfectionist

Sharon Holbrook

Welcome to Capable Kids Q&A, where you send me your dilemmas about lovingly nudging your kids towards a thriving can-do spirit, and I pull together the research, expertise, and wisdom out there to bring you encouragement and ideas. (Thank you for sending your great questions; keep them coming.)

Q: Last night my 3rd grader was getting really upset because he wasn’t recalling all the information he needed for a quiz he’s having today at school. I told him over and over that he’s a “hard worker” and he’s going to succeed because of that—whether or not he does well on this quiz or the next quiz or the next.

All the anxiety kids experience these days makes me so nervous! Just trying to ease that when it comes to my kid’s impulse to strive. I just kept reminding him that he works hard, and that’s his lifeboat. Believing that he’ll keep going no matter what and will eventually figure it out seemed to ease the pressure he was feeling a bit. What do you think?

A: Oh, man. It’s so hard for us parents when kids are having a tough time. I think we’ve all been there.

Before we talk strategies, let me start by saying that if a child has a diagnosable anxiety disorder, getting professional help is the appropriate step and can be tremendously helpful.

Now, back to your young perfectionist—one night of getting really upset doesn’t mean an anxiety disorder, and what you’re already saying to him is super helpful in terms of his approach to learning. We know from research, particularly that of psychologist Carol Dweck, that praising a child’s effort (“You worked so hard to figure that out!”) rather than their innate qualities (“You’re so smart!”) is connected with more persistence. When faced with a difficult task, children praised for their intelligence (“fixed mindset”) tend to perform more poorly than those praised for their efforts (“growth mindset”). To foster growth mindset, parents should also avoid treating failure as a negative outcome, says Dweck, and instead use it as a chance to help the child find new strategies.

I couldn’t help but notice this part of your question: “All the anxiety kids experience these days makes me so nervous!” I get that—experts have been sounding the alarm about a troubling increase in anxiety and other mental health challenges for kids. And none of us wants our family to be part of those statistics. But as we touched on in Capable Kids Q&A: Procrastinating Teen Artist, anxiety about anxiety isn’t particularly helpful, and it’s totally fine for our kids to be anxious sometimes. It’s part of life.

That said, it’s best if our own parental anxieties are under control—even if we sometimes have to pretend we’re calmer than we actually feel on the inside. When we project a quiet confidence that all will be well, that helps ground our kids. Parent anxiety, the research tells us, can exacerbate child anxiety, especially if we feel the need to fix the situation or try to make the source of the anxiety go away. Like child anxiety, parent anxiety should be addressed by a professional if it’s persistent or serious. But, in everyday life, here are a few ideas to try:

  • Say out loud that you’re not worried about him, even if he is. I have a teen learning to drive, and he confessed feeling stress when driving for the first time with actual traffic. “Even if you were stressed—and I totally get that; it’s so normal—I wasn’t stressed. I knew you were going to be fine.” With your son, this is what you’re getting at when you say that working hard is his lifeboat—even if he’s stressed by a bump in the road now, YOU know that he’ll be fine in the long run, and he can lean a little on your confidence. (And I’m so glad that seemed to help!)

  • Embrace your own imperfections. Every single day, usually multiple times a day, I (mostly) cheerfully say some variation of, “Oh well, I’m not perfect.” Luckily, I don’t have to try hard to find opportunities because I mess up all the time: I forgot to buy something at the grocery store; I broke a glass; I overcooked something. We don’t have to be happy that we screwed up, but we can model accepting that mistakes are part of life and that we will get another chance to try again tomorrow.

  • Help them take the long view by telling stories. Talking about your own imperfections, Part 2: At our house, we find that talking about Mom and Dad’s childhood embarrassments, worries, and mistakes is reassuring (and sometimes funny!). Because they seem to think we actually have our act together now, I guess maybe they think there’s hope for them, too.

Too often, we adults don’t remember the hard parts of childhood; we tend to think it’s nothing but carefree play. But it can also be HARD sometimes, even under the most loving circumstances. As kids, everything is unfamiliar and new, and we may not be confident in our ability to meet life’s challenges. That’s why it’s our job as parents to be confident for our children when they aren’t yet, and to help them know that a little struggle is expected, manageable, and is actually helping them grow.

Good luck to you and your hard worker; as always, I’d love to hear how it goes!

person wearing pair of white girls rule text printed socks
Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Confidence Through Action

Sharon Holbrook

Welcome to Capable Kids Q&A, where you send me your dilemmas about lovingly nudging your kids towards a thriving can-do spirit, and I pull together the research, expertise, and wisdom out there to bring you encouragement and ideas. (Thank you for sending your great questions; keep them coming.)

Q: Hi Sharon! I was having a discussion with my 16-year-old daughter about confidence. She’s a very smart girl with lots of wonderful character traits but she lacks confidence and is aware of that. She and I are both wondering how to boost her confidence.

A: Ouch—are there any former 16-year-old girls out there who don’t relate to this, at least a little bit? We know that research shows that girls’ confidence typically takes a nosedive at puberty. The reasons are complex and not entirely clear, but it’s fair to guess that, among other reasons, gaining the normal 20 to 50 pounds of puberty weight knocks the body confidence of growing girls in a world that favors unattainable female bodies.

So what do we do? It’s great to say positive things to our daughters, but it is even better to give her a chance to do positive things.

In the 1970s, psychologist Albert Bandura developed the theory of “self-efficacy”—in other words, what we believe about our ability to do and accomplish things. It’s action-oriented confidence. People with higher self-efficacy—people who believe they can handle the challenges in their lives—do better on numerous mental health and life satisfaction measures. The good news is that the more tasks and challenges we successfully handle, the more those “mastery experiences” build our sense of self-efficacy. And that self-efficacy transfers to other parts of our lives, making us stronger overall. (I wrote about how self-efficacy can help our kids through the pandemic, and my friend Jessica Lahey wrote about how self-efficacy can even help protect kids from addiction.)

You don’t say exactly how your daughter lacks confidence (Is she afraid to speak up? Is she loathe to risk embarrassment or failure? Does she worry over her body?)—but, regardless, the approach can be the same: Find more challenges and tasks to take on and practice learning, failing, and, if all goes well, mastering. That feeling of self-efficacy grows and grows the more we feed it mastery experiences, and the good news is that we can pick those experiences according to our life circumstances and tastes. The only requirement is that they be a little challenging. Some ideas:

  • Ask her for help at home. Can she cook? Use a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, plunger, and lawnmower? Does she help with the cleaning chores? All of these are not only important life skills, they’re also chances for her to feel the satisfaction of knowing she is capable of managing the day-to-day. Look for ways to involve her in the running of the household. Handy is a better feeling than helpless.
  • Encourage her to get a job. At work, she’ll be asked to do innumerable new tasks she hasn’t done before—think interviewing, dealing with customers, managing unfamiliar equipment, balancing competing priorities, and so much more. Challenge is built in, and many kids take to assignments from other adults far better than they take to tasks given by their parents. (Just ask any elementary school teacher assigning classroom jobs to enthusiastic students—kids like to feel useful when they’re not saying, “why do I have to…?” to their parents.)
  • Find a volunteer opportunity that suits her. It’s inarguable: Helping people feels amazing. Whether it’s practicing English with new immigrants at the library or playing cards with seniors, doing something that she likes that helps someone else multiplies not only both people’s joy, but also your daughter’s sense of purpose and capability. Self-efficacy!
  • Help her focus on what she can do with her body, not how it looks. Sports are a great example of a body challenge that’s all about doing, with plenty of chances for both failure (Which is good! Failure is OK!) and mastery built right in. The boost to self-efficacy she gets from beating her 5K time? Way better than 100 likes on Insta for her latest selfie. Speaking of looks, parents can try to focus less on telling her how beautiful she is—and if we must, we can praise a daughter’s sense of style (which she controls) over her looks (which she does not).
  • Hesitate before you jump in. Whether your daughter is nervous about making a phone call, reaching out to a teacher, or managing a social dilemma, take a pause. Instead of problem-solving—oh, how good it feels to fix things for our kids!—we can stop and ask, “What do you think you’ll do next?” Our job is to kindly express the unshakable confidence that she can handle her dilemma. Even if her dilemma is just getting herself up in the morning and getting herself to the bus stop on time. If, after she realizes you’re really passing her the reins on these little stumbling blocks and responsibilities, she still wants advice, feel free to offer some. But remember—and be sure she knows—that it’s in her hands, that it’ll be fine (even if it goes wrong), and that you’re here for her.

I hope that helps, and please let me know how it goes. (On that note, don’t miss our first Q&A Update below.)

Q&A Update: Remember the 12-year-old who didn’t want to go to sleepaway camp? He’s staying home this summer and is signed up for some day camps, which mom says will still be a challenge for him. Sounds like a great balance of nudging and nurturing!

tent with lamps on coast of lake
Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Camp Fear

Sharon Holbrook

Welcome to Capable Kids Q&A, where you send me your dilemmas about lovingly nudging your kids towards a thriving can-do spirit, and I pull together the research, expertise, and wisdom to bring you encouragement and ideas. (Thank you for sending your questions; keep them coming.)

Q: My almost 12-year-old was supposed to go to sleepaway camp last summer, and then: pandemic. Camp was cancelled, along with almost everything else. I’m trying to encourage him to try again this summer (if it’s safe), for two weeks only, but he says no. I feel pretty strongly about kids spending time away from home (both his older siblings have). I also think if he has the chance to do something fun and productive after this loooong year mostly at home, he should. Plus, I want him to know he can go away, that he is capable of it. But I won’t force him. I understand why he’s nervous. My question is: How much should I push? When is it time to step back?

A: In my childhood, sleepaway camp was something that took place only in books, especially this copy of Letters from Camp that we had at our house. As you can see from the cover, the featured anecdote was about BOXING. To my fairly timid self, it didn’t sound that appealing to me, either.

But your son has real-life siblings who (presumably?) loved it and can share what it’s really like. Maybe he’s even gone on a drop-off, pick-up, or family visit to camp. And this is helpful. The more he knows about what sleepaway camp is really like, the better you can suss out the source of his reluctance.

The key question: Is this about fear or dislike? There are lots of reasons for big feelings around activities, including:

  • We’re afraid because we don’t know it’ll be like;
  • We’re afraid and we don’t think we’d like the experience; and
  • We’re afraid but we might enjoy the activity if we get through the fear.

A difficult and necessary part of growing up is trying new things, because we often don’t know exactly what’s holding us back. Trying gives us important information. As a child, I used to be afraid of rollercoasters because I didn’t know what they’d feel like. Now I’ve tried them many times, and I’m still afraid of them, and they’re also not fun for me. On the other hand, I’m kind of afraid of surfing, too, but it’s a blast, so I’ve done it anyway.

Here’s what you might want to work through with your son: What’s the source of his reluctance? Probably not the unknowns of camp itself, since he’s likely to have seen it or at least heard much about it from his siblings’ experiences. If it is actually a new-to-him camp, consider taking him to a no-pressure spring open house or camp visit to check it out. (One of my kids, when they were a preschooler, was afraid of a playdate because, as they put it, “I don’t know what their house looks like.” Information can help.)

If it’s not unfamiliarity with the camp, his refusal could be so many other things:

  • Does he hesitate to separate from your family? Is this really about homesickness?
  • Does he like or dislike the kinds of activities done at camp? Is he not the outdoorsy type? Will he have any choice in his activities at camp?
  • Is he an introvert? Is he suited to the constant togetherness of camp?
  • Is his hesitancy about social interactions? Is he nervous about not knowing anyone? Could he perhaps go with a friend?

If, based on your deep knowledge of him, you truly think he’ll love it if he tries it, I’d push a little more, with perhaps a promise to come get him early if he hates it after a week.

If it’s more likely that camp is just not for him, then I’d look for things that suit him better and that push him beyond his comfort zone. Whether it’s a class in something new, an adventure day camp, a ride on the big rollercoaster, or trying ten new foods this summer, there are innumerable ways to expand his world. As positive psychologist Lea Waters encourages us to do in The Strength Switch, focusing on our kids’ strengths rather than weaknesses is a positive, connected way can help them thrive.

One more thing to think about: What’s the reason for your strong feelings in favor of kids staying away from home? In Capable Kids Q&A: Reluctant Cyclist, I wrote about pushing our kids to do certain things because they’re so essential. One of my personal musts was learning to swim, a survival skill. Swim lessons were the necessary means to that necessary end of knowing how to swim. But what’s the end goal of camp? It might help to figure out what that is for you as a parent, and whether there’s a mutually agreeable way to get there.  There are many paths to becoming a more capable person; finding your son’s path is what matters most.

Photo by Kaiyu Wu on Unsplash
Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Reluctant Cyclist

Sharon Holbrook

Welcome to Capable Kids Q&A, where you send me your dilemmas about lovingly nudging your kids towards a thriving can-do spirit, and I pull together the research, expertise, and wisdom out there to bring you encouragement and ideas. (Thank you for sending your great questions; keep them coming.)

Q: How can I encourage my 9-year-old only child to learn to bike ride? It’s one of my favorite summer leisure activities and I want him to join me!

A: Some of my nieces and nephews just hopped on the bike at age 5 or 6 and rode off—and that was that when it came to learning a two-wheeler. Other kids take to swimming the same way: confident, headlong, fearless. I did not have those children, and it sounds like you don’t, either.

It’s a tough balance. You want to respect the child’s interests and feelings, but also nudge them out of discomfort into rewarding, challenging things. In some ways, swimming was an easier call for me: It simply MUST happen. It’s a survival skill, not a hobby. (For our family, with three cautious, sensitive kids, that meant a LOT of patience and persistence over many years. But that’s a story for another day.)

Biking is more challenging in some ways. Kids don’t NEED to learn to ride a bike in the same way they need to swim, and yet it’s a life skill that we assume every older kid and adult has. Plus, it’s fun to do together, and you want to enjoy biking!

It’s perfectly appropriate to say to your son, “Hey, guess what? Our April project is going to be learning to bike ride!” When it comes to life skills, kids don’t always get to choose.

That doesn’t mean we’re dictators; you can show respect for his reluctance (and, I’m assuming, nerves) by going consistently but gently. Allowing for a month means you can say, “We’re going to take it slow—we’ll do just 5 minutes of practice every single day.” It also means you can take incremental steps: At first, tell your son not to put his feet on the pedals; he’s just going to walk the bike with his feet and, when he feels comfortable, lift his feet and coast for a second or two. Let him also wear knee pads and wrist/hand guards if he wants.

And if he’s not pedaling solo by the end of the month, just start a new month with confidence. Your consistent message? “Hey, I know you’re not excited about this, but I know you can do this, and you’re going to be so proud when you get it. Remember when you did [other hard thing]?” (Building on other successes, or “mastery experiences,” feeds confidence. For more on this, see my article on self-efficacy.)

I love this question because it simply boils down so much of what it is to encourage our kids’ capability: 1) we express unshakable confidence that they’ll get there (whatever “there” is in any given situation); 2) we respectfully acknowledge their discomfort while showing them how to move forward through it; and 3) we are patient with missteps, failures, and the slooooow walk to maturity.

I hope this helps, and I’d love to hear how it goes!

woman standing beside silver coin operated scope
Capable Kids Q&A

Capable Kids Q&A: Procrastinating Teen Artist

Sharon Holbrook

Welcome to Capable Kids Q&A, where you send me your dilemmas about lovingly nudging your kids towards a thriving can-do spirit, and I pull together the research, expertise, and wisdom out there to bring you encouragement and ideas. (Thank you for sending your great questions; keep them coming.)

Capable Kids Q&A: Procrastinating Teen Artist

Q: My 13-year-old has to submit a portfolio of artwork as part of an application process to a few arts-based high schools she wants to attend. A few of the submission pieces require a form of art she does not enjoy. She has continuously put off doing the work, and that’s causing her great anxiety.

Yet, when I ask about her schedule to get it done, she tells me she’s got it under control and not to bother her about it. Last weekend she stressed herself out so much, she spent the weekend in fits and tears, which both broke my heart and frustrated the hell out of me!! I want to leave it up to her to figure out how to get it all done … or not, and suffer the consequences, but I also know she’s 13 and needs guidance. So, what’s the right balance of letting her figure it out but also helping where I should?

A: We so often think procrastination is about laziness or disorganization—but, as I think you’ve already figured it with your daughter, it’s really about our emotions. In short, we often delay a task to feel better in the short-term, say the experts quoted in my favorite article ever about understanding procrastination. Even without the wrinkle of the less-desired art forms, the stakes are high. She has to complete and be evaluated on an application for something she really does want—admission to an arts high school. We can easily imagine the self-talk: Is my art good enough? What if I don’t get in? When you mention the application, it brings up all those uncomfortable emotions that she’d rather not feel. Naturally, she wants you to stop, because your well-intentioned inquiries are derailing her if-I-don’t-think-about-it-maybe-it-will-go-away procrastination plan.

So that’s what’s behind all this—but what to do about it?

Our goal as parents is to help kids manage their responsibilities independently, but we have to first meet them where they are. Where your daughter is right now is stressed-out. Here’s where you can start:

· If it feels right to you, apologize for inadvertently adding any pressure. At a quiet, peaceful time when she’s not keyed up about this application, reiterate that you don’t mean to be a nag—in my experience with teens, poking fun at myself for nagging can defuse some of the tension—and that you’re on her side and definitely not looking to add stress.

· Acknowledge that her feelings are perfectly normal. She’s completing a high-stakes application, and she may be worried about doing well on it. Stress and anxiety are normal, healthy responses that help us respond to demanding situations. Once we start stressing about our stress, though, we add a less-useful layer of anxiety, says Dr. Lisa Damour in Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. It’s OK that she feels stress about this application, and she doesn’t have to feel bad about that.

· Explain that procrastination is an understandable emotional response to the stress she’s feeling, and that, unfortunately, it can make things feel worse in the long run.

· Gently offer to help her brainstorm a plan. This is where you can start to hand the reins back to your daughter. “Like you said, you’ll get it done. I know that. But it’d be nice if there was a way to tackle it so it isn’t so stressful. You may be able to figure that out better for yourself—or would you rather brainstorm a plan together?” She may want the family out of the house for the afternoon—or she may want someone else across the table “co-working” on something on their own computer.

Once she’s sure you’re not trying to add to her stress, she may be better able to think through her needs and let you know how you can support her. One more thing: If you have a partner or spouse, consider which of you is the best suited to handle this situation. After 13 years, you can probably guess which parent your daughter will cut more slack—a reality which can change by the day at this age!

Good luck—can’t wait to hear how it goes.